I’ve sat at my laptop at least ten times these past 6 months figuring out what I wanted to write for this post. Each time, when I’ve read my words back, they don’t feel right and I delete everything just to restart. I feel so out of touch with the blogging community, and I guess in essence, I just hope there’s still room for me and my blog.
So where have I been? That’s the burning question, right? It’s been two years and you’ve not heard a peep from me. The short story is I left a toxic relationship and I had to heal myself. I’ve spent countless nights crying, blaming myself and learning how to connect with my innermost feelings. I lost touch with myself, I developed coping mechanisms that helped me in the short term, but damaged me on a long term basis. I apologised for everything, just in case I was wrong. Which, for the record is NOT normal, that’s the result of a manipulative, toxic relationship, where you’re waiting to be blamed so you try and own it, because it’s easier to believe you’re the bad person. It’s even harder when you’re isolated from your friends, because apparently all I needed was him. It turns out he was everything I didn’t need. I let myself lose people that meant so much to me, because I was told constantly how unhealthy they were for me. One lesson I learnt from reconnecting was that some people weren’t healthy for me 4 years ago and they aren’t healthy now, but at least that became my choice, rather than a guilt trip about how I wasn’t showing love to my boyfriend at the time.
The #MeToo movement truly inspired me, and made me realise I have a voice. I’ve not been ready to use that voice. Growing up in this world as an opinionated woman makes me bossy rather than a leader, I’ve always been taught to shrink myself and let the men shine, because their voice is “more important” than mine. I’m now 21 and ready to call bullshit on that notion. My voice is no less important than anyone else’s. My story is just as important, and my truth is exactly that. I’ve blamed myself for someone else’s actions I had no control over, and I let his voice guide me, even when my voice knew it wasn’t the right one to listen to.
Watching Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette (I highly recommend, by the way) felt like an awakening. Cliché I know, but nevertheless, her words resonated with me. Particularly her thoughts on humanity and the line “to yield and not break, that is incredible strength”. These past two years I’ve shown a strength and resilience I never knew I had. I have felt more broken than I ever have, but I picked up those pieces, and I chose to heal myself. Even now it’s hard for me to believe my body was violated by someone who was supposed to love me, and I can’t bring myself to type the words that I’m very clearly hinting at. But it happened, and I still have nightmares, and sometimes if you catch me on an off day, well, then I could cry about it. But I am a survivor, and my journey has taught me too much to write about in this post. Maybe one day.
So, in a nutshell, that’s where I’ve been. Healing myself and unlearning my survival tactics for a toxic relationship that helped me to function for so many years. I no longer avoid arguments, I don’t always apologise unless I’m clearly wrong, and I can talk about my feelings in a healthy, constructive way. They will always be lifelong habits I’ll have to practice, because I refuse to let myself shut down in a relationship ever again. In fact, my relationship with Jordan is thriving. He’s been my shining light through all the darkness. When I blamed myself, he would always set me right. When I apologised for no reason, he’d tell me I had nothing to apologise for. He has helped me find the ability to thrive. Thanks to him, I’ve watched myself grow in my confidence. He makes me feel so lucky, and for the first time ever I can truly say I am in a healthy, romantic relationship. He is the boyfriend that hypes up my blog, not one that makes me feel silly and ashamed.
If you made it this far, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I need to shake off the shame and be proud of myself and my blog. I need to get back to what I was good at, and find myself on the internet again. I need to find my flow, and be myself unapologetically, and I plan to stick to my word. I’m well aware these sorts of posts aren’t popular, but taking a two year break and not addressing it doesn’t feel right. This blog is a hobby and like a personal snapshot of where I’m at in my life. Blogging isn’t always about views, at least not to me.
Let me know what you’d like to see on Jodie Loue, and I’ll try my best to make it happen.
