How are you? Three little words. Three powerful, little words. They’re not the typical three letter words that are at the centre of those almost out of bounds, fantastical rom coms, but they can strike a very similar chord.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m doing lately. Spring is when the world is reborn, and just like nature, humans have seasons too. Realising I’m also seasonal, has felt a lot like inhaling that harsh, fresh winter breath that seems so cleansing to our lungs, our bodies and our minds. The current season I’m dwelling in is the feeling of not being enough. Thanks to a face mask causing my acne prone skin to erupt, to remind me of my teenage years, followed by a telephone call to my GP for help, which was then followed up by a crying session where I described myself as an ogre. It seems rather drastic, but as someone who has a long-standing relationship with anxious, negative thoughts, it can also feel comforting when it’s our time to court again. My skin is my biggest insecurity, so it’s fitting it would set off the overthinking snowball that’s so hard to control once it gets started.
How am I? The quick response of “I’m good, how are you?” isn’t ever what I really want to say. We’ve turned it into a greeting, rather than an actual question. I want someone to tell me all about how they listened to a song that caused their skin to prickle, or how they feel they’ve realised we’re on a ball of rock that rotates around a burning gas ball and so what is the meaning of life? Instead it gets brushed off, unless we’re at a point where the question causes our bottom lip to quiver, tears to roll down our cheek and our voice to crack because we can’t fit our bundles of emotions into a nice, neat, ready to present object.
Change also brings about the self reflection in which that question causes us to ponder. A new job awaits me at the start of March and I don’t know how I feel about it. Obviously I’m excited, but change, whilst necessary, is very scary. Life is constant change, and being in a pandemic can probably be added to one of life’s biggest stressors. I’ve gained weight, my favourite jeans no longer fit me, my skin is at an all time low, and my body still feels fragile from the beating Covid gave it. I even wrote post about how I’m feeling about Covid. I don’t feel good enough because of all those things. It feels like not only has this virus stripped back my freedom, my relationships, but also myself. It’s made me look in the metaphorical mirror at myself and either strike up a relationship with me, myself and I, or run away. Everyday, I have to choose either the former or the latter.
So how am I? I’m tired. Like the trees give up their leaves ready to hibernate for winter, I feel like I’m breaking down ready to be reborn again. No matter how many times I will get to experience this, it never makes it easy. Each time is like getting reacquainted with an old friend who looks the same, and for the majority is the same, but everything is also different.
With that, I want to know, how are you?0